These two sisters can’t stop visiting each other.
Anna is the queen of heaven and earth,
an A-list celebrity on all the invite lists.
She learns that her sister, Kiki, queen of the underworld,
is mourning the death of her husband, Frank.
He was a complete animal
but Anna must pay her respects.
Before her journey to the underworld,
she decks herself out in her designer best.
She begins her descent,
only to be stopped at seven security gates during the journey.
(Kiki always was a bit of a control freak.)
At each gate, Anna is required to give up another symbol of her status:
her faux fur,
her Jimmy Choos,
her iPhone,
all her passwords,
the keys to her Porsche,
her tickets to the Beyoncé concert,
and, at the last gate, her personal trainer, Mike.
She arrives at Kiki’s domain
stripped of everything she was,
completely naked.
The place is a mess of mould and rotting food.
I love what you’ve done with the place, she says.
What are you doing here? Kiki roars.
I’ve come to pay my respects, says Anna.
Your respect makes me want to barf, says Kiki.
It looks like you already did, says Anna.
Sometimes the shortest of conversations
Are too long.
Kiki kills Anna and hangs her body
on a meat hook in a corner of her living room.
Nice, she says.
Everyone should hang a family portrait on the wall.
But Anna’s no fool.
Before she left California,
she suspected something might happen.
She texted her Grandpa, the king of the gods,
if I’m not back in 3 days come get me xoxo luv u!
Three days and nights drag by.
Kiki watches reruns of The Sopranos
and shoots macabre selfies with Anna’s phone.
Something to remind her of her visit, she says.
When Anna does not return,
Grandpa creates two therapists
from the dirt beneath his fingernails,
(he has real dirty fingernails)
who descend to the underworld in search of Anna.
Arriving in Kiki’s living room, they find her freaking out.
She says: “Oh, my back!"
They say: “Oh, your back!"
They show compassion for her pain,
recommend a good osteopath.
She is moved by this.
She offers them anything they desire. They say:
“We want the corpse hanging from the meat hook in the corner".
Kiki is pissed off about being tricked out of her sister's corpse,
but she honours her promise and gives them the body.
She may be queen of the underworld but she, too, has a code.
The therapists sprinkle spirulina and wheatgrass juice on Anna’s body,
and are able to revive her.
I feel great, she says. I must have lost ten pounds!
The therapists think she looks like shit -
her face too drawn, shadows under her eyes -
but they keep their mouths shut.
Anna ascends back to California,
regaining all the regalia of her position
at each security gate on her return.
Unfortunately, she was dead during the Beyoncé concert.
This puts her in a bad mood.
When she gets back, she discovers
that her husband is also an animal.
He’s been shtooping her PA while she’s been gone.
But it doesn’t matter.
She knows that Kiki will visit soon
and then the fun will start again.
